Paulina,
I’ve been fascinated by the news story about NASA’s Voyager 1 space probe that was sent into space 36 years ago. Recently it actually penetrated the sun’s heliosphere, it’s the first man-made object to do so and now it’s moving through interstellar space.
Have you read about this Paulina? Didn’t it just captivate you?
Buzz

Geez, Buzz you’ve got some exciting pastimes hey… just kidding you sweetie I mean if you get off on all that spacey, sci-fi stuff then so be it. Me, on the other hand, I just can’t stand that science kick… never could.

You know what the whole story did bring to mind? Tony Lopez… I mean woo hoo, like far out Tony, he used to make all the girls scream from here to king and come.

Now Lopez he was 36 inches… kid you not. I know you’re probably gasping at the thought but honey I was gagging on it quite a few times. I mean we’re talking dry retching… pulling off before you coat it with bile.

Lopez, he’s the best damned space probe that there is. I used to stand in front of the mantelpiece, hike up my skirt, stick out my rump and blow kisses from my rear.

I couldn’t breathe at take off when he’d take out his probe; he should’ve had a licence. Through the rectum and up the canal; Tony was the first man to penetrate deep into my large intestine. I mean it was like deep inner space.

I’m sure Tony’s still kicking and there’s a ton of cheerleaders walking down the street like they’ve just been riding a horse.

Dear Paulina,

A couple of days ago I was running through Centennial Park. I needed a rest so I stopped and sat down at a bench. I watched a couple of dogs that were in front of me, and one of them began mounting the other. To my surprise and horror, I got an erection. Now I'm really worried and
I'm not sure what to do about it.

Regards,
Dylan


My, my, my, Dylan this is a prickly one.

Firstly, I’d have to ask when the last time

Otherwise, what you may have had is an awakening and you’ve actually got it for beasts. Now personally I don’t go in for bestiality but you know, each to their own.

In this case gorgeous, I’d suggest that when you’re at a friend’s house don’t let any cats or dogs come near you or sit on your lap for that matter. It’s not going to go down too well when the host notices you’ve grown hard.

And you should think about a trip to Denmark. I’ve heard over that way they have tourists coming from all over Europe to visit animal farms where they can commune with the animals, just like you’d know how. Now think about that prospect for a while… imagine that sultry mare in the corner of the barn flickering her dainty eyelashes at you.

Noir,
I’d like to ask you just who the hell you think you are? You get on here crapping on with all this advice like you know it all. You don’t have the answer to everything, in fact I find a lot of what you say to be sick. You disgust me and quite frankly I think you are a pervert.
Revolted.

Oh really country boy you got a problem with little old me, do you? Quite frankly I bet you’re one of those middle-aged guys who’s deeply in love with their own hand and suffers from some serious crotch odour. I despise your sweaty scrotum and everything it is attached to.

Who do I think I am? Well unlike your type I know who I am… just one of the hottest damn beings on this here earth. You know when I stroll down the street every eye follows. Slowly their gaze wanders up the seam of my stockings, along my long, slender legs and up to the border of my skirt and though they can’t see up it, well they almost can, they lust for what is warm and moist within.

And you think I’m sick, I tell you what is sick that I have breathe the same air as you.

So if you can’t take brilliance then don’t visit my column no more dull boy.

Oh Paulina,
You’ve got to help me, I’m so upset. My long term boyfriend, who I really love, left me the other day and told me to go fuck myself as he left. I don’t know what to do.
Lovelorn

Oh Sister, you don’t know how to fuck yourself? Haven’t you heard of a dildo?

It’s easy darling… I mean maybe you’re a bit coy about it or something. Perhaps you should apply some lotion to your nubile body first just so you are… dripping. That’s right babe you’ve got to get yourself hot.

Now perhaps you’d like a bit of digital stimulation, just find your little red button and give it a rub or you might like to reach deep inside and find your G spot and tap at that for a while. Oh my, I’m getting aroused just thinking about you doing that honey.

Now if you don’t want to get your fingers sticky you could invest in a dildo. Just take your pick on the size and if you want an electronic zing get yourself a vibrator. I’ve always thought a butt plug is the go to get it just that little bit more intense.

Of course there was my dear, dear friend Sabina. Now she’d done so much yoga in her time that she’d become a contortionist and loved to eat herself out. I tell you she was the best at the end of a long night when the party’s all but over and you don’t want to watch the telly.

@paulinanoir

if you’ve got an itch that paulina can scratch then drop her a line at paulina@powderzine.com

paulina's previous columns

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