paulina noir's boudoir

Hey Paulina,
I've been reading your column and well there's something about it that doesn't gel properly. It just seems that when people come to you with a problem you just make up absurd answers that are as smutty as possible and try to offend. What, pray tell, do you have to say about this?

Sceptical Suzie.

You think my answers are absurd and smutty? Babe, I’m helping the needy here and it makes me shed a drop of blood that you have the nerve to say otherwise.

My readers come to me with legitimate concerns about their not so peachy circumstances. I don’t take this responsibility lightly either. I mean, the amount of times I’m sure the thrush I’ve been suffering is a direct result of the stress placed upon me whilst trying to deal with my little lambs' concerns.

So you want smutty do you lovely? Right now I’m imagining you on all fours. We’re, Derek and I… oh Derek… have inserted a massive dildo into your arse. Meanwhile Derek is whipping it to you with his member deep inside your throat. I’m down seeing to your dripping, wanton baby cavity and can only visibly perceive my wrist. At the same time there are two little piglets jumping up and down beneath you trying to suck at your teats… and I can’t quite make out what that is smeared all over your body. You think I’m smutty darling… you’re appalling.

Ms Noir,
I've been married to my husband for 36 years. He's quite a dapper man; he dresses impeccably, his hair's always in place and courtesy is his middle name. Yet lately he's lost interest in me; sometimes I think I can smell perfume on him and once I found a smear on his collar that I was certain was lipstick. I'm a mature woman of 56 and at this time in my life I don't think I could handle an affair. Do you perhaps have some advice about my situation?

Driving Ms Daisy.

Oh sister, my, my, now when you notice a lipstick smear and the perfume of another woman you’ve really got to face up to the fact that something is going on. What are you waiting for a pubic hair stuck between his front teeth? That man might be well dressed by he’s definitely oiling some other doll’s engine.

Thirty six years is a long time matron and I have to tell you that things have changed since the time you took the vow to lock up your snatch for only his touch and like the song says sister, sisters are doing it for themselves and their cherries too.

For optimal revenge what I would suggest is that you follow that dog and hunt down that minx he’s dining upon. Once located what you do is set about wooing her yourself. This won’t be hard as she’s happy to play sloppy seconds as it is. If you find the idea of chowing down on this other sister hard to take well just remember you’re very familiar with the marinade her meat is steeped in. Once you’ve captured her in your web you confront the brute, leave him and take your new bride with you.

I'm a 24/7 housewife and I take damn good care of myself. When people see me pram pushing down the street they take a second look. There's not a wrinkle on my face and let's just say my curves fill every outfit. But I'm on my feet all the time; vacuuming, cleaning and I've developed bunions. What do you think I should do?

Yummy Mummy.

Excuse me, bunions? What do I think you should do? Honey, I’m a serious advice columnist. People write to me about their relationship failures, how to get down better in bed or just to compliment me about how hot I am. They don’t write to me about blemishes on their feet.

Mind you, all that rubbing reminds me of the time I was with Little Davie Waters down behind the shower block and oh my, that ‘little’ was certainly ironic. Now that boy rubbed me red raw and I means like on the inside of my throat.

So seriously you want some advice about those bunions? Well try cunninglingus. Firstly you’ll need an extra set of lips then take that weight off your feet… just lie yourself down, close your eyes and think of New Zealand.

I'm not sure who to turn to and I wouldn't usually do this on a public forum but I certainly can't ask Mahma. I've been dating this delightful girl from university... she's my first. She has strawberry blonde locks and the most luscious eyelashes. The other day she said she'd like to suck on my member but really Paulina I'm not sure how

a proper boy like myself should take it.

Stiff Upper Lip.

Oh baby, you're so funny... If you continue on down this path of acting all shy pretty soon your youthful glow will dry up and so will the offers. If this girly, oh and I can just imagine she's got those luscious botox lips without the chemicals, is offering to blow you well boy you've got to take it.

Maybe you've got a fear of your cock? Some boys do. So what I would suggest is that you take a hand held mirror squat in front of it and inspect. Touch it a little, stroke it, give it a tug even... get familiar with your johnson.

Now how to take it well, there are three main ways to take it. There’s the come to daddy you naughty little thing pose. It’s a dominant pose where you stand up against the wall with it hanging to attention, she'll be on the ground in front kneeling and begging for it. The second is a passive pose, the lone stork in the shrub, you lie flat on your back she crawls up and smoothers it. Lastly, this is my fav, two pigs in the trough, now this one always works better if you have some pig snout masks and I’m sure your girly would prefer that. She lays on her back with her feet splayed in the air oinking away while you get on all fours and crawl on top. Then you dangle your goods in her face… you dirty swine.

if you’ve got an itch that paulina can scratch then drop her a line at

paulina's previous columns

column three

column two

column one