Dearest Paulina,
My spiritual master posed this question in class the other day: what’s the sound of one hand clapping? Quite frankly, I don’t get what he means. Can you elaborate?
Seeking guidance on all fronts.

Well honey, I know exactly where he is coming from and I’d rethink whether this guy is actually someone you want to be following down a path to enlightenment. What I can see from this is something leaning towards perversion. I wonder whether he was leering in your direction when he put forth this conjecture.

As we all know a spiritual leader is either one of two things: a man who is so pent up because he ain’t getting any or one who’s taking advantage of his supposedly celibate status and bumping the devotees in the backroom.

Firstly, I’ll give you the answer to the puzzle. The sound of one hand clapping is no sound whatsoever sugar pie.

So what is your master getting at? Well lovey he’s a complete perv… he’s thinking of you with only one hand clapping because he’s alluding to the fact that he thinks your other hand is up to something else entirely.

That’s right he’s implying that your non-clapping hand is positioned in your crotch and actually you’re pleasuring yourself; as he is leading the congregation he’s thinking about your fingers dialling your little red button. So if anything the sound of one hand clapping is actually that juiced up rubbing as you’re working your clit in his mind’s eye…

.

Please Madam,
I need you help very much. I met my wife on Shabadi.com. She’s from a very good family and a magic cook. But after three months at marriage she still will not let me near her chapatti.
Vijay.

Oh no, this reminds me somewhat of the time I was seeing Gary and he’d never let me near his lingam. Later I found out it was because his soufflé wouldn’t rise.

Your problem is different though a chapatti

Furthermore hun, if you’re having this sort of problem it doesn’t surprise me that you have to contact a dating site to find a wife.

Anyways what I would recommend is intoxication. I’ve always found this the best way to solve a problem such as yours. But let me get this straight before I go any further, I do not go in for drink spiking and wouldn’t recommend it as it’s such a sign of desperation.

What you should do is get yourself a bottle of vodka and ply your wife along with yourself. Once that’s been achieved pull out some MDMA caps… by this stage I think you’ll find that she’s keen. About half an hour down the track your pristine wife will be champing at the bit for some. Like magic her thighs will part and that bulb will blossom. Mind you that’s what I did to Gary and unfortunately it still didn’t rise.

One last note for you babe… it sounds to me that you mightn’t be the most experienced in the bedroom so I suggest you pick yourself up a copy of the Karma Sutra and work out the moves you’re going to apply to your spring blossom.

Eh Paulina,
I’ve got a bit of a prob, I keep cheating on my girlfriend. I mean, I love her and all but then there are just so many chicks out there and I can’t help myself. I feel guilty at times and just want to know whether I should fess up to her about it?
Harry.

.

Oh boy Harry, ain’t you just a number. I mean you can’t keep it in your pants and then when you do you want to vent all your guilt over your darling; ain’t it just enough to pull out early and come on her stomach?

Now I know some of my readers would tell you otherwise but I must admit that I don’t consider myself the most moral trick on the block. So if you need to get out there and taste a bit of the other well… a being has to do what a being has to do. Gorge yourself
to your heart’s delight but damn it keep it to yourself.

If I didn’t know any better, and let’s face it Paulina usually does know a whole lot better, I’d say it could be some indoctrinated guilt that you’ve had programmed into you that is leading you to have the desire to confess. Keep this in mind, when all those priests get found out for sticking their hands down those altar boys pants well it never seems to be them who’ve done the confessing now does it…

So just remember if you’re distraught with guilt well it’s you who should suffer it and not your deluded darling who needs to suffer the pain in order to wash away the come stains on your soul.

Paulina,
I admit it’s a slightly embarrassing subject but anyway, I’d been seeing my girlfriend for six months before we finally admitted to each other that we were in love. I take so much pleasure in telling her that I do and used to take pleasure in hearing her tell me the same but of late she has stopped telling me that she loves me. What should I do?
Dejected.

Oh my Shiva, I really can’t believe you gorgeous. I mean where is your inner worth? Do you really need to be reassured that someone loves you again and again when they’re obviously putting up with your cock in their throat all the time?

I’m going to be short and sharp about this honey… if you need to be constantly mollycoddled then you’re going to lose her. It’s needy little pokey guys like yourself that end up driving all their chances away.

@paulinanoir

if you’ve got an itch that paulina can scratch then drop her a line at paulina@powderzine.com

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