Hey Paulina,
Can you help me out?? I kinda spied on my bf's internet history on his computer and saw heaps of porn sites that he was looking at. Anyway I asked him why and he told me that he liked looking at stuff that we don’t do together coz he thinks I’m a good girl, stuff like anal. I thought maybe I should try it with him then to make him happy. So that’s like a couple of months ago and since then that’s all he wants to do. He doesn’t' want to have normal sex anymore. What can I do? I asked him if he's gay, but he just said he likes it better.

Sugar pie, I think you are looking at it in entirely the wrong fashion; normal sex… now what's that? I’m thinking that you mean the missionary position. And well, apart from being one of the dullest ways to take it, I think we should see that position for what it is part of… religious conservatism. These missionaries travelled around the world trying to get all the peoples from other lands to do it in their prescribed manner. And why? Because they’re a bunch of goddamned prudes. Just the idea of it makes me want to bend forward and let someone slide it on up there.

I mean we’ve been blessed with many holes and glory be when we stick things in them they give us great pleasure. So honey, if you’re taking it in the arse or down your throat you have to learn to feel that pleasure. And on top of that sticking it in varying holes really says nothing about one’s sexuality… that’s like such a dated idea…

Mind you, too much anal could be making you sore; you might be walking around like you’ve been sitting on a horse all day. I do hope you’ve been smearing on a little KY down there before he’s been taking the dive. Anyways, I’ve got the perfect solution for your situation… a strap on! Put it on and give him a good rogering. At first he might shy away from the idea but after a while of it sliding in and out of that cavity he’ll come around. Pretty soon
you’ll hear him groaning for more. And of

course, later you can always lick each other’s wounds clean.

Paulina,
on my last period I could not find my tampon to take out – I thought it might just come out on its own but it’s been over three weeks and it’s still inside me.

You mightn’t realise this hun but this is not as uncommon as you think. The old disappearing tampon, sort of a reverse of the Indian rope trick, is actually a severe form of toxic shock. What actually happens is that sometimes a tampon can freak those vaginal walls out on introduction and they reflex into kind of a catatonic state and latch onto the tampon. This is usually caused by low quality, cheap costing tampons made from materials derived from petrol. So lesson one is not to go and buy your tampons from those terrible little second-hand stores. I mean really if there’s one part of you that you can treat to some uptown goods it’s your little kitty.

Now I’ve been told by older sisters that back in the day what they used to do was use a coat hanger to root out the perpetrator. This method of retrieval was found to be too problematic. Going fishing in the vaginal cavity with a sharp piece of metal always is. Incidents of popping the balloon were rampant not to mention periodical police raids due to discarded hangers being seen as evidence of underground abortion mills.

In this day and age what is recommended is the use of your common household variety vacuum cleaner; it’s that simple. Of course, you’ve got to use the correct attachment; don’t go at it with the brush head, you want to use the narrow sticky beak adaptor and use a bit of lube… that’ll suck the little ferret out of there.

Just one more idea you may want to latch onto; if you’ve had any article stuck up your oyster for more than a day you ought to see someone about it.

Dear Paulina,
I’ve started dating a man almost twice my age and while the sex is amazing I do worry about the age difference.

Normally I’d say what would you want with some crusty codger? I mean baby, why would you want to get down with some dirty old fool? I can just see it now the sagging skin, those slimy fingers tickling their way up your thigh and the pinched, slobbering lips coming in to tongue at your veal.

But then baby, I see that you say the sex is the go and all of my fears and prejudices scamper away with the rats. If the sex is amazing then who cares what his age is. What’s a little bit of sagging flesh rubbing up against you if that mutton knows how to rub? If you’ve gone and scored yourself a stallion that hasn’t needed to be put out to pasture as yet then you let that geriatric mount and mount hard.

Oh tinker bell, it reminds me of myself when I was younger and quite probably the most stunning figure this side of the tracks. Back then I met an older gent and oh my, could daddy give it to me like he knew he should. Occasionally thoughts of that fossil come back to me and I wish he was thrust inside me once more but then again pace makers really are a turn off.

if you’ve got an itch that paulina can scratch then drop her a line at paulina@powderzine.com

paulina's previous columns

column one