paulina noir's saucy stars

For the week commencing October 21, 2015


(September 23 - October 22)

Sugar tits, you've been traipsing down to the cove, peering out into the ocean, pining for a sign of humanity, for quite a time. You can’t recall how long you’ve been stranded on this deserted island, and you were certain some sort of rescue boat would've been along by now. Then she appears Libra, on the beach one afternoon. Striding like some wanton ghazel. She has a lovely bunch of coconuts and legs down to the sea. Your phallus rises like the tallest poppy pod in some Afghan field. Racing over, you kneel down before her and suck the nectar from her mango, soothing your parched throat. This week Libra, after waiting so, so long, you’ll find a mirage materialises, but not in the form you’d imagined.


(October 23 – November 21)

Check out that erect cobra, sweet thing, hovering from side to side like some wind-up, Shiva lingam. She’s gazing down at a furry little mongoose, trying to hypnotise it with her alluring stare. As she’s about to strike, she notices the mong's tasty little pink peach, flushing moist. Cobby strikes alright, but rather she plunges her tail into that creaming little hole, which grasps hold of her like a wet fish hand. Scorpio, a situation that initially seemed like a hostile one is about to reveal to you, that it's actually a very pleasurable place to find yourself.


(November 22 – December 21)

Sagittarius, I was at one of those delectable Chinese banquets the other night. You know the ones, where the table is full of a multitude of dishes overflowing with pork. On this occasion, Loose Louise was flat on her back on the Lazy Susan, spinning around the table. She had a pig snout mask across her nose, and was naked below the waist, with her legs splayed out in the air. And as she spun, all those assembled caught a gawk at her mound of Venus. The aim of the game was once the wheel stopped spinning, whoever she stopped in front got to dine. This week Sagittarius, as one aspect of your life slowly comes to a grinding halt, it appears that you’ll get to eat the sacred ham sandwich.


(December 22 – January 19)

Crazy, the other week, I was at one of those comic con fest things, dressed like that tight little pussy, Catgirl. As I meowed my way around the scene, I was totally taken by this muscle-bound chimp, dressed like one of those freaky sci-fi aliens from that movie series of the same name. What stood out most about this number was the huge tentacle hanging between his legs. You know me babe, I dropped down on all fours and slowly moved with feline precision towards my prey. I took the end of his long shaft and started sucking it into my throat. Further and further deep down, I wanted to consume the whole thing… but oh my, it just went on and on. I started gagging and had to abort the mission, in order to catch my breath. So Capricorn, all I’ve got to say this week is don’t take on more than you can swallow.


(January 20 – February 18)

The sweet, sweaty slightly protruding lips of Shirley’s vulva is held within the metallic grip of a very antiquated chastity belt that her obscene new lover, Reuben Kincaid, has affixed to her crotch. Such a nasty, nasty vile little man that he is. His mind is overwhelmed by visions of other men's members, as they glide and collide, penetrating her every orifice, from the oral to the rear. And that's why he's got her oyster held within this prison. Aquarius, let's face it, there's something in your life you've been keeping hidden from the outside world. It’s time for you to stop being like Kincaid, turn the key and unleash it. And a blossoming will occur, as you expose it to others.


(February 19 – March 20)

'Taste my yoghurt' reads the sign above the new Korean dessert store in town. And Pisces, we all know how up for it you are for a taste of something a little thick and creamy. You wander in and are instantly taken by Mi-Ok, with her pigtails and high stockings. She's rocking that Lolita look. They’ve got those small spoons that allow you to taste the different flavours and as you do so, she flutters her eyelashes and motions you to follow her into the backroom. Mi-Ok smears a dollop of vanilla over her white dove. And as you bend down to lap at it, you taste the divine. It’s tangy, with a touch of star anise. This week Pisces experiences will reveal sensations you've never experienced before.


(March 21 – April 19)

Well, well Aries, we all know the old tale about Icarus. That beautiful, young Greek, who, as he took to the sky on the wings his father had fashioned with feathers and wax, ended up falling towards the ocean below. He’d been warned not to fly too close to the sun, but the silly Billy did, the wax melted and he came plunging down. What people don’t always hear, is that Icarus was very heavily endowed, and his cock was flaying about in the sky as he fell. And while others believe he ended up in the sea, Aphrodite, who happened to be admiring the youth, caught his member in her mouth and drew it in deep. This lifesaving act of fellatio saved the dear boy. Aries, this week, you too will have someone or something come to your aid, just when you think you’ve gone too far.


(April 20 – May 20)

Taurus, there’s nothing Paulina likes better, than to while away the hours in a steam bath. The naked bodies, the small white towels draped across naughty bits, all excite me, as well as the potential to cop a glimpse of something when the mist clears. But I’d have to say my last visit was by far my total fav. I was pouring water over the hot coals, when I could feel breath on the back of my neck. A moment later, oh my, there was a deep penetration in my rear entry. It was coming from this heavily tattooed, boxer type. Then all of a sudden, he pulls me back and this tiny red haired number comes in and slides her lips down over my member. I’m in elation at both sides, when this guy, who was so tall he must’ve been a basketballer or something, came in at the front and pulled my gob over his shaft. I’d say a similar occurrence is about to arise in your life Taurus. As you mould together your different talents, you’ll find you create something both pleasurable and unique.


(May 21 – June 20)

Wanton, promiscuous, loose, indecent, unblushing, lascivious, unchaste, fast and oh so easy. Abandoned, lustful, lecherous and licentious. A libertine, a profligate, both dissolute and debauched. Such a degenerate reprobate, who is corrupt, disreputable and ultimately sinful. So totally whorish… Get my drift Gemini? Go forth and take what’s yours.


(June 21 – July 22)

The Hanging Gardens of Babylon were one of the seven wonders of the ancient world. But no one knows where they were located. While one of the three wonders of my late night local drinking haunt is McKenzie’s hanging scrot. The other two being Ita’s ability to sink vodka, and the fact that each time the cops run sniffer dogs through the place, nobody gets done. But everyone knows where McKenzie’s wonders are, he can’t keep them in his pocket. In the men’s you can’t miss them, it’s like there’s a goat at the urinal. And of course, there’s a line of lovely, young Sallys queuing up to grab a feel. What you need to do, right now Cancer, is locate that lost wonder that you possess, and as you expose it, make sure you don’t lose your integrity.


(July 23 – August 22)

The goddess Isis has full red lips that hang slightly agape, quivering, as she gazes out over the vast galaxy peering down over you Leo. Her mouth is set below the dark, high cheekbones of her face, that is said to the radiate the beauty of eternity. She hails from the heavenly realms, yet it is the deep carnality of her lotus sprouting between her thighs that truly enraptures all and sundry. Many a man could be found in the ancient squares rubbing his member red raw in honour of her allure, without her paying them the slightest attention. It seems that you Leo, at this juncture in time, have taken her fancy though. And as she sets her darkly lined eyes on you this week, you’ll find that you actually begin to radiate all of her divine attributes.


(August 23 – September 22)

Do you remember my old friend Bashful Barry, Virgo? Well turns out, he’d never been with a man. But that was until the other night. He was at some bar all mashed on MDMA, when he got to thinking he might give it a go. He picked the closest guy to him, and before he knew it, he was face up against a cubicle wall. At first the prick couldn’t get in, because Barry’s backdoor was bang shut. But eventually it relaxed and on making access this cock made its presence fully known. Barry told me he could feel the impact in his back passage over the days to come and it made him somewhat more vital. Recently the sun’s been transiting through your constellation Virgo, and at first I don’t think you were quite ready to let it in. But now, as it’s leaving I reckon it’s going to have a lasting impact in the weeks to come, making you a more dynamic and powerful being.

For the week commencing October 14, 2015