Paulina,
All these threats of nuclear attack from North Korea are really starting to freak me out. I can’t even come to a climax. What’s your take on this?
Dry with worry.

Well, well, well funny you should mention this sweet heart because I’ve had a little bit to do with the Supreme Wonder of the KPA in my time and I have to say he’s much better than his Daddy. Still neither of them is much to write home about; I’m just letting you in today as you asked.

Thing about Kimmy is that he’s like a fountain when you take him in the mouth and I mean like at both ends; he can’t stop talking while you’re working the shaft. And his spunk… ew, it’s… well that’s rather off the topic now isn’t it.

Anyways he says, “Oh Paulina, oh that’s right, like that… oh yeah and these Americans, ah, they think I have nuclear capabilities, oh, it makes me laugh, I have about as many nuclear warheads as old Saddie had weapons of mass destruction. As if we have, oh, oh yeah… when we launch missiles into the sky they just shoot into the air and come plummeting down faster than my member.

We can’t hit a target, oh, oh, sure, sure we’ll hit Japan, hah, as if we pose a real and present danger to the states. They just want an excuse to deploy a missile defence system into Guam because it’s close to China… careful with your teeth Paulina… now oh yeah, that be right.”

Dear Paulina,
I’m tossing around the idea of taking my own life. Is there anything you could suggest I do beforehand?
Close to the end.

My, my, been there sugar… the second last time I felt like ending it all, what I did, I got myself a credit card with a big limit and I booked little old me a trip round the big blue ball and I had a time let me tell you. There were absolutely no limits to what I could do because quite frankly I wasn’t going to be around to pay for it now was I.

And what a time I might had; I get goose bumps recollecting.Those lady boys in Bangkok, racking up chunky ones in the backstreets of Bogota with those gorgeous Latinos boys and girls, oh my… the hashish on the ganga, my skirt was levitating and lolling with Kiki on the beach in the Maldives. It all went on for so long like one endless summer’s night… no time for a hangover and absolutely no time to get your stockings back on before you had to take it all back off again.

The crazy thing was when all the credit was burnt I felt so damned alive I didn’t want the party to end so I took that noose and cast it right off the side of the ocean liner. But when the bill came that’s when the shock hit and well let’s just say that that was the last time those dark clouds came swooping in.

To Ms Paulina Noir,
In your opinion which of the US presidents was the best?
Hilary.

Well Hilary hope you’ve dusted those cobwebs away. Now back in the day I used to hang with Dubya and we used to have a blast. I mean that guy had the best blow on this earthly plane and he was always quick with a laugh. But he ain’t the best in bed… he’s always so loaded it’s like a deflated balloon. Then I heard the rumours: rigged elections, 9/11 an inside job, there weren’t any wmd’s in Iraq… so I ditched the swine. Mind you, much better than his father. I used to see him when I was barely legal but we did have a time in the harem at naughty Saddam’s palace.

Billy as you may’ve possibly heard he’s a round the clock guy. He blows a trumpet like no other and boy did he blow mine if you get my drift. He’d be ramming cigars in every orifice, which was fun except when I got burnt. Weren’t until one of the dealers let on that the coke prices were on the hike due to his clandestine war in Colombia that I pulled his sax right back out of my throat permanently.

But Hil, lovey, my all round fav and I mean as if you couldn’t guess was the big O. And

Hey Paulina,
There’s a lot of talk about gay marriage at the moment. I’m not so sure it’s a good thing; I mean marriage has always been between a man and a woman. What do you think?
Mr Nile.

Oh seriously, how particularly backwards you are Nile. I mean really, the last time I was crawling out of the spa with Henry, Joyce, Mary and Mark, we were certain that marriage was on the agenda… but guess what we couldn’t marry each other because it isn’t allowed. I mean we’d touched ourselves in ways that most heterosexual couples don’t even know goddamn exist.

Can Candy marry Alexis? Can Barry marry Sam? Why of course they can Mr Nile what a damned affront. When two consenting adults want to bind themselves in matrimony well who cares if they’ve got the same bits? People like you have to pull your heads out of your own holes, which is a strange practice in the first place, and smell the cheese.

Back to my first point though why can’t Mary, Joyce, Henry, Mark and myself get married… why in hell not? Why can’t five people get married if it pleases them?

@paulinanoir

if you’ve got an itch that paulina can scratch then drop her a line at paulina@powderzine.com

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